In My Hands

A friend’s mum told Joanne that I look frustrated with my studies. Question is, do I really like what I’m doing? My loyalty towards what I’ve chosen stays. Other than that I can’t think of anything else of what could’ve been if I weren’t commited to this choice I made.

For sure I’m going to miss out on a lot of events while finishing what I’ve started. Ambition is what it’s about. Me having to be away for at least almost 3 years from home. By then Ashly would be 15. I wouldn’t have many chances to become friends’ bridesmaids. I.. wouldn’t be around to keep a watchful eye to neutralize clashes of human chemistry in the house. 25, when I’m over and done with. Almost everyone would’ve settled down maybe still in Kuching or half way across the world where I’d get to receive.. photographs, letters and phone calls. It’d also be an honour to be a godmum to several different children, a person who couldn’t be there for ‘em to welcome them on their first day into the world. And I’d definitely have trouble finding potential areas to invest in land, assuming that it’d be taken already. Probably everyone might’ve changed after all those years. New personality, new obligations, new lifestyle, new family and what’s mine to keeps will be fairly good memories of ample time we all had to spend together.

I’ll be working my ass off to buy the car of my dreams to make sure that I get it by age 29. Actually I am frustrated. It may sound that I know where I’m going but I’m just.. arrested by plans far ahead of me only because I can ascertain what want that I can have.

My days of living as a human is numbered. Turning into a robot. Technical robo-bitch lawyer soon. No life man.

Jo took me with her to an office and asked met go for an on the spot job interview as a promoter for Digi. I didn’t know what was the place called and what did it specialise in. Plus I could’ve have made my research on any information which has to do with Digi. After the guy took a look at the form I filled in, he spoke the hell lot of crap to me. His expectations wasn’t realistic. He said,"Speak to the customers as how you would convince a judge." That’s such a joke. He even had to ask what my dad is doing and made a remark of the area of my residence. Seriously now, why was I judged for that? He gave me a list of terms to memorise so that I’d use them while explaining to customers. He asked me to check it out and come back within 2 weeks. By then he’d query me.

Jo was talking to me earlier today about.. Love. Love is a state of mind. It’s all in the head she says. Which is.. absolutely true. There isn’t any fairytale. I was once told that it’s dopamine in the brain that triggers the ‘love at first sight’ tinggling feeling. Just chemicals at play. The fairytale version effect is merely for entertainment’s sakes for dreamers who hasn’t crashed and burned to finally wake up and realise love isn’t at all like how it’s advertised. Take it from Guru Soo. LOOOOL.

I guess one of the reasons why people are attracted to dreamers is because dreamers believe. They strongly hold on to their beliefs of goodness that’s not really as extinct as how and what others perceive of it. And to believe means to propheseise that in one’s self, to churn those beliefs into reality visible to the eye. So, these people are capable of making their beliefs happen. Therefore others want that too. The power of faith is so strong and I guess that’s probably how great things happen. Which is by just believing. Believing hard I mean.

Well well. I don’t know how and what to think now. I’m sad to have to accept that love is.. a mere state of mind. My fantasies are out the window. The grass is always greener on the other side but there is still one person whom I still want despite his flaws =) He taught me what dopamine is.

Here’s how I spent my jolly good friday Under Georgette’s invitation, Robin, Hong, Jo and I had the chance to meet Francessca Beard. A few pictures to make you envy are right below.

Cindy, Jo, Elle, Me (Pic 2). Hong, Robin, Jo (Pic 3). Me, Jo, Uncle Francis (Pic 4). Jo, Me, Jo’s friend (Pic 5). Me, Hong (Pic 6).

Francessca, Gerald, Me, Jo, Hong. Robin took the picture LoL. Come to Robin’s page for more pics http://Robinwong.blogspot.com Do click on this pic to see the full size.

"… at!   DiamondsandPlatinum.blogspot.com " Took quizzes concerning politics, personality, tarrot card, lovey dovey blabla…" Fun stuff. Check it out to compare

This is me with a lil weight shedded off.. but my teeth becomes so apparent. Could’ve adjusted my sunnies cos it was slipping in this pic. Such a dork.. what happened to me *sighs*

My eyes are almond shaped. And they’ve shrunk. This is what happens when you get only 4 hours of lseep. 

Robin. Thanks for the pic. Good picture, rediculous person. Yes.

*Yawns* Feeling lazy. Very. Come visit Robin to get full coverage of what happened on the day these pics were taken and yes, more pictures. Love those. It was originally Hong’s idea to take us out. Thanks guys. Really now, sleep well people. 4 hours of sleep is no joke. Prolly lost weight cos of my bad sleeping habbits and lost of appetite Not something to do at home boys and gals.

4 of us met up on Wednesday night. I was overly hype which explains in the pics *sighs* Davina’s photogenic. Jo’s enjoying the moment. Gurpreet has a secret smile.

See the thing is I wanted to see how I look like when I get the mousse to keep my fringe from dangling down. Bad idea. Anyway, after looking at the pictures I started brisk walking sometimes in the mornings. The pictures are alive you know Venue? Bla Bla Bla.

Davina. The one with the cleavage pose is Gurpreet =p

Gurpreet, Jo and Davina.

The walls. OMG. But we’re cool with it.

I feel.. obese. And I’m gonna let my frindge loose ever since. URGH!

Thanks to Davina for the pictures.

Here are some from Jo’s camera. Love these Nice ones.

When I was.. 17 I used the word ‘never’. I used to be so certain of so many things. But the thing was? I wanted to try a lot of things but I had the least of guts to try. In short I had things safe, though it didn’t have things my way. The furthest I went was getting my hair dyed and streaked while I still had to sit for a public exam. You know, those shallow apparent things that can be seen that I’ve done. Something others wouldn’t really have dared because they put their priorities first eg. I could’ve been barred from exams? LOL. Retaliate Sam! That’s so you!

18. I dared myself to move. Took a step forward. Appeared on nation television for 4 seconds. Nice cheap thrill there. I could’ve made a fool out of myself big time if they showed my actual footage of me trying out for the idols. Since then, it’s been some huge impact on me. I don’t ever wanna sing in that much of a public audience anymore until I’ve made myself up to standard. Man.. at that age I thought of myself as.. ALL THAT. No one made me join in but I told myself that I had to be spontaneous, a now or never chance. Do it. Go. what’s there to lose. In the end it was proven. By umm.. not the world but just the country that I am not ALL THAT *sighs* I was more of a conquest seeker back then not just an attention seeker. LOL. Maybe it was the whole.. opening up to crowds stage where shyness slowly faded. I wanted to be noticed since that wasn’t something recognised by any family members. When I said the word conquest, I meant it in a general sense. Wide spectrum. Yeaaa. I didn’t use the word ‘never’ so much anyone. I was more keen on using the words ‘no means no’ (period).

19. I’m almost 20 by the way Just shy of.. less than 2 months. I can say that I’ve had the best days of living at this age. I can truly say that I had fun and still is having fun. Perhaps it could be because I’ve discovered myself a lot more since high school ended. Mainly I think the likely cause is of parents loosening their grasp, letting me learn things on my own a little. That is still something I think they could’ve done ages ago. I find it pretty late for me to have only ‘known’ myself much better now. Confidence is when you know something well. It’s something earned over time through tough experiences to develop simply just understanding. And by that, I seldom use the words ‘no means no’ and well to say ‘never’ now would mean to get karma to slap me back hard for a wake up call to not use it unnecessarily. I find it childish to self prophesies the future by words. No? Never? Dammit Samantha. What were you thinking back in the day? LOL. I’m now a believer of.. possibilities and sometimes miracles. Cos I’m no longer going to pride on telling everybody that I’m determined. For good reasons like.. Can I, or can anyone determine how they’d like someone to feel? That’s a first class control freak.

Spoke to Jo before she sent me home about a few minutes ago. Got me thinking

Take a peek and you’ll get what I mean. The church completes the view.

DiamondsAndPlatinum.blogspot.com

Under construction, coming in every direction. Yay.

Click on this thumbnail to enlarge. Contemporary Art. Nice choice Keane. This caught my eye while I was browsing through collections of cds today. Blogspot’s down. Wanted to update that cos I love the sleek black background of myunveilingshroud.blogspot.com

"Strange Transmissions"- The Peter Malick Group featuring Norah Jones the remix album. I bought this last night. Well if only the Chill Album version of this was available. Blues infused album, upbeat city jazz.. accompanied by sultry songstress Norah, funky beats with DJ Strobe,  Land Shark…"

Each song has its provocative title to it such as Things You Don’t Have To Do and Deceptively Yours. It’s more like a single really.

If you’re a Jamie Cullum listener, this could be very much your cup of tea filling the air with the illusion of being in the coffee house. Maybe a cafe far far away in New York perhaps. I was suprised that Yih Yong found this genre cool. Jerm  and Loung found it.. noisy. Henry even from the begining was already on his way to dreamland. Doubt that he enjoyed the outing. Yong’s leaving for UK within two weeks time. He tells me to act more shy. Maybe he thinks that’s how girls should be and that I’d be more woman if I’m more feminine or something LOL. These guys are the sweetest guy friends ever. Jerm adviced me never to perm my hair again. Loung says he’d like to play the role of Batman sometime by coming to pick me up whenever I needed rescuing. Henry’s the subtle one who talks the least but broods the most. He actually got me a bookmark after returning from his last trip from KL.

I’ve been a fan of Train since I was 16 really. Collected their 1st album, Drops of Jupiter and this latest one called For me, It’s you. Haven’t got Private Nation. Don’t know their exact genre. Something contemporary because it’s the country feel, a pinch of mild alternative rock and arrousing hints of trance effects. Their first album had different themes to the compilation. Songs like Hopeless and Let It Roll, beautifully simple. Their latest album shares the same blues infused tunes especially I’m Not Waiting In Line as found in Strange Transmission by Peter Malick, his group and Norah Jones. Uplifting, again city jazz suitable for morning mood setters. Aural caffeine there without risks of overdose.

The next best thing I might just do is pick up albums by Muse. My gothic side is emerging… has always been there anyway. Also a fan of Gregorian Chants really. Hmm~

"When I find out who I am I’m gonna know just what to do. When I’ve pulled myself together again I’m gonna give myself to you"- Give Myself To You by Train off For Me, It’s You.

Feel free to take a listen by clicking on the link of the song